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10:30am 26/01/2005
  Well I guess I should update everyone on what is going on. I have moved to Goldston, NC. I now attend Chatham Central High School. They even have me playing baratone for the band. I don't mind it here besides the people are closed-minded and there is NOTHING TO DO. I miss Andy so much, but I don't know if he misses me. I've called him a million times, and he has yet to return my calls. i hope he has not found another... I would just die. I miss everyone in Charlotte and I will be down Friday. LUV ALL!  
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Goldston   
04:50pm 18/10/2004
 
mood: cheerful
music: Some emo band... (CD 1/2)
Andy and I went to Goldston this weekend and dled about 300 songs and burnt them on cd's. We looked for a bunch of emo band we had never heard of. It was totally awesome. Some bands were:
Coheed and Cambria
OAR
Silverstien
Spatra
Reel Big Fish
and other bands that we did not write down the names of (STUPID *hits head*)

But it was fun. And he wants to take me "emo" shopping at goodwill or something like that. I get paid today or tomorrow or something so when I do I have like an extra $70 to spend after I help my mother out. I love Andy so much. He's such a dork! lol...

I have to go back to school tomorrow after 6 days off. It totally sucks. BLAH!!!!		  
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where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face   
10:34am 16/10/2004
 
mood: awake and early too
music: the luckiest by ben folds
now I see it everyday
and now I know I am the luckiest

I've had to work the past 3 nights and I have to work tonight. Tomorrow I think Andy and I are going to go to Goldston with my mother. It'll be fun... we need to get away. Plus we can dl and burn cds. lol. Anyways, I'm sorry Cami for not coming last night but I had to work and then I was SO tired. Love ya anyways!!!

I'm sorry I know that's a strange way to trell you that I know we belong
That I know that I am the luckiest		  
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forever   
02:43pm 13/10/2004
 
mood: exhausted
music: greenday
It seems like forever since I have written in this thing. All I know is this past week has been an emotional rollarcoaster and I don't know what exactly to do. You guys know what I am talking about. All this stupid stuff about weither I am a kid or an adult and if I'm ready for these steps I want to take. It's not like I don't want to take these steps. I just feel like I am standing only so far from a cliff and have to get as close to the edge without going over. The only problem is I have to tell the higher power how many steps I am going to take. In this there is a paradox: If I stay too far from the edge I am missing out on the beauty below but if I go to far I will crash to my death. I just want a proper balence, you know? I guess it's stupid.

Starbucks:

A girl was in a coffee shop
alone.
waiting for someone, I suppose
she didn't look troubled
as if the person was late
only wait ing a coffe shop
alone.

it seems so familiar
waiting in a coffee shop
the smell of black beans
being crushed sometimes
is comforting

Maybe that's why
a girl was in a coffee shop
alone.
waiting for someone
who will never come,
whom she will never love.
only waiting in a coffee shop
alone.

I love you Andy.



I have to go to work today then I think he's going to spend the night again. Love is an awesome and powerful thing.		  
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english   
07:51pm 05/10/2004
 
mood: cold
music: none
I stayed after with my english teacher today for some extra credit. Usually he has students grade papers for this, but being as we just had a test the papers were only scantrons. So I basically sat and talked to him the whole time with only the interuptions of a wondering student or two. We talked about the way I am and think and write. We talked about how I wanted to be a teacher. He said some really nice and SINCERE things about me. One thing in particular he said, but in much better words, was my mind "was like a chess game. The beginners focus only on the next move while you see all the options and the future." That really made me feel good. Another thing is Dibble's entry. I think he really loves me. I wrote a poem to him today, but I left it in my Discrete notebook at school. I might have time to type it up tomorrow after work.

I'm talking to Ben again right now. I had no idea that his mother had kicked his father out. That's absoltly weird to me. When we were going out they just seemed like the ideal family. And now they're not. I guess nothing lasts these days.		  
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not how I thought   
04:22pm 04/10/2004
 
mood: crazy
music: I'm humming rape me
Well the rest of saturday did not go as I had thought it would. Well, Drew came over and had about $25, so we went to go get some cigarettes. It just so happened to be only 8:30 so we asked Dibble's homeless guy friend to also buy us a fifth of cheap vodka. Well, sure as hell he went to buy us the shit, ad we ran into Andy's friend Jeff. We all hopped in his car and went to meet the homeless guy. After we got the shit everyone kept seeing cops and I swear Jeff sped the whole way home.

Well, later that night before we started drinking, Jeff left and we went to go meet up with Ryan who was going to spend the night over here to. I think his main goal was to hook up with olivia, but that didn't matter. I still think he is a pretty cool guy.

Anyways, we came back to the house and put on gothika and drank coke and vodka. I think I downed about 5 shots. So 20 minutes later I'm in the bathroom puking my guts out while Andrew tries to hold my hair back. i think it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Anyways, I passed out on the toliet a couple of times until Andy and Ryan drug me over to the couch. There I slept for the rest of the night and woke up with the 2nd hangover in my life. I had to write my english paper with a hangover. It sucked monkey balls. But by the end of the day I could keep food down again and I ate noodles and turkey and mashed potatoes and fried squash. YUM!!!!

Today wasn't a bad day, cept Drew kept rubbing in how drunk I was to everyone. I have to clean my room tonight, and I think Andy's going to come over. Fun Stuff!		  
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Ben   
06:45pm 02/10/2004
 
mood: hells yeah
music: Morrison
Ben was in town this past week, but he never got a hold of me to see me. I talked to him today for awhile. I dunno what it is about ex's and I... They always do so much better without me. Or maybe they just make it look that way. Either way I'm not sure how I feel about that. Maybe I'm just a bad luck charm. I also takled to Matt today while I was waiting for orientation for my new job to start. I can't believe I start work on Wedensday. My life will be totally over. I already have 13 hours scheduled for the firt 3 days. But it's ok. I got my uniform today. I look like a dike. Really. O well. Andrew and Drew are coming over tonight. Hopefully we'll have fun tonight. I have gotten enough sleep!		  
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La la la's   
08:02pm 28/09/2004
 
mood: hah!
music: None, sadly...
OMG I offically can not live with out my one, my only, Andrew Dibble. Last night was the best night of my life. I left for his house about 10:00 and stayed til about 1:15. I love him so much. I am so in love. Last night, I fell in love over again. I looked at a lot of his old pics and stuff. I saw a couple of pics of Merdith. I am so much prettier than her (lol j/k baby). I didn't know this side of Andy... the younger side of him. I can't wait til we have kids together. They are going to be so beautiful. Just like their father.

I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Do you know what he said to me last night? He said I was one of the most beautiful girls he had ever met. I love that, b/c I know I'm not the most beautiful. I am so glad he loves me for who I am. He loves me for me, and nothing more or less. That has to be the greatest feeling in the wolrd.

I think I am going to go over to his house again tonight. I told him to call me when he was done eatng. I love how we can just spend time together without having to do something, and we never get bored of each other.

Andrew is starting to look at appartments. It's not like he's going to get anyone extremely early or anything, but hopefully within the following year. He's going to start work in like three weeks (I hope). I called pizza hut today but Mr. Nicholson was not there. I really need to go through that seminar so I can start work. I need the money really badly.

That's about all that is going on. I had to reload windows the other day and lost all my music and pics, but besides that I've been pretty happy.		  
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An enrty to remember   
03:16pm 23/09/2004
 
mood: artistic
music: System Of A Down
Last night, I almost attempted suicide. Not in a way that was loud and showy, But in a way that in the end no one could help. I would go into a dep sleep and die that way. It would be nice to know you are going to die happy.

40 asprin and vodka, that's all I needed.

If I were gone, my family would be happy. My teachers would be happy. Sadly, even my boyfriend would be happy. I swear I cause him all his trouble. I just know if he never had met me he would be better off. When I told him this, his response saved my life.

"I just don't want to be a burdon to you anymore, Andy." I remeber sighing just a little.

"Baby, listen. I swear... I have never been so happy in my life. You make life so real to me. You are not a burdon. It's me, baby, not you. You haven't done anything wrong." You could hear him shift in his seat at the seriousness of our conversation.

Carefully, I contemplated my response. It's better to say the right thing rather than what you feel.

You see, I have aquired a skill from an unknown teacher as to how to make someone feel like shit without ever really saying anything. " I want to sleep with you tonight. Can I come over?" It wasn't that late. The clock glared a red 10:30 PM. I thought it better. "I'm sorry. I love you."

"I have this paper, you see. I have to type it again."

Silence filled my ears after that. I paused, thinking about what to say next. I have thought through almost everything I have said lately.

"I'll do it for you." Isn't that what he wanted to hear?

I remeber sneaking out my back door. As soon as my feet touched the pavement I was off. I jogged into the cold night. I could feel the sweat running down my sides and back. I didn't care. i was free of bondage and curfew.

I reached his house and tiptoed in the front door. I've never been allowed in his house before. Then i felt for the first time the special selectivenees I had lacked in my previous relationships. That was the first reason not to take my life.

Asprin still in my body from the previous hour, I typed up his paper. i didn't feel a thing. Not the keys. Not the sweat. Not even Andy rubbing my back. All I felt was a dull stomach pain that dully settled low to my left side. It was almost a comforting feeling.

With the paper finished, we layed in his bed. I ended up pleasuring him by hand, which I did not mind at all. I had put him through so much stress, and he deserved that release of energy.

About 12:50, he asked me very kindly be firmly to leave. He had believed it to be later in the night, I think, and I also understood his fear of I getting caught.

"Do you have a coat I may wear? It's aweful chilly."

"In my closent. I hope you don't mind taht it's big."

On the walk home, I felt the fabric of the coat. It felt warm and soft. That's so typical of Andy. I realised how much I loved him. This was the second reason.

When I arrived to my house, my mother was on the computer beside the door. I pondered of if I should go in or stay outside til she went to bed, but finally I just walked right on in. This scared my mother to death. I looked down at the computer to find she wa reading my email and signed onto my screen name. This, as we both understood, canceled each other out.

I told her I couldn't sleep and went for a walk. She asked where, so I told her down and back from Andy's, at which i realised he was probably asleep already and had no way to contact him. I then told her I loved her and went to bed. The time I fell asleep was 1:30 AM.

This morning, I told my teachers that I was on suicide watch and sorry for the absence on Tuesday. I said I was downtown, which was the truth in a sense. It was aweful funny to see thier faces when I told them.

After I told the first teacher, I turned and walked out of the classroom, shutting the door behind me. There I squatted in the middle of the hall and cried.		  
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Love?   
04:12pm 22/09/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: Evenesence
I don’t believe in love anymore.

I don’t think that one can love another. It’s in one’s nature to fend for him/herself. I wish I knew what is going on with me. I talked to Andy today and I didn’t even feel like telling him how my horrible day went or trying to explain why I have been acting so funny for the last couple of days. He thinks there is something defiantly wrong with me. I don’t like that idea. It’s like I’m a broken toy that has to be fixed, that’s all. I’m not a toy.

I’m making hot coco now. I can’t wait for that one moment when the first few drops pass your lips and you tingle. And the warm coco may just calm me down.

We received our seating for orchestra toady. I have never made less than fourth chair in my life. But I am not defiantly proud to say I am eighth chair viola. Total bummer.

To make things worse Coach Grogan said there might be something wrong with my spleen. You see, the left (or right if you are looking at me) side of my body near my stomach has been putting me through great pain lately, and I thought I must inquire to my coach as to what in the hell it might just be. And he said it’s my spleen or a really tightly pulled muscle, and I should see a doctor. Maybe I am just a broken toy. A doll.

I’m wearing just a white t-shirt. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m almost finished with the Bell Jar. Now all I have left for the day is to explain to my teachers where I was yesterday. They’d probably believe the psychiatrist.		  
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How I feel   
06:34pm 21/09/2004
  VERTIGO

Leaning from the balcony
As if without a care
Wondering should I take the fall
Or should I take the stairs
Have I already fallen over and now spinning in the air
I don't know
Cause I'm in this vertigo

Leaning from a precipice
That only love would dare
Spinning from a gravity
That only love could bare
Were I to tumble from this cloudy high how would I fare
Take it slow
I'm in this vertigo

Take me down
Down to where the rain falls
Down where the rain can wash away this high
I feel I'm gone
Beyond the edge and falling
Falling like tears that turn to snow
Falling in this vertigo

Leaning from the balcony
Above the interstate
Will I come around too soon
Or will it be too late
Surely there is only one direction I could go at this rate
Down below
I'm in this vertigo

CHORUS

If I had my way I would stay up here forever
And never look down
But surely it will come cause I've always had that feeling
Of rushing the ground
Rushing the ground

Leaning from the balcony
As if without a care
Wondering should I take the fall
Or should I take the stairs

CHORUS		  
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I forgot   
06:12pm 21/09/2004
  OMG LEXI SAID THAT SHE GAVE SALIM A BLOW JOB LAST NIGHT. Cami is so upset. Salim told her that he didn't though, and now I think Cami and Lexi arn't going to be friends. That totally sucks. Cami really likes Salim. I think I believe him, though. But at the samn time I dunno...  
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Sleep over   
06:05pm 21/09/2004
  "Tell me you had bad dreams last night

cus you were rolling in your sleep

tell me you hate those bright streetlights

sometimes those shadows give you the creeps"

Andrew slept over last night. He didn't mean to, I'm sure, but about 5:30 he woke up and all I heard was "O shit!" It was ok, though. My mother is out of town. So anyways I skipped today and went downtown to CPCC with him today. I had the best time. I was completely relaxed. I helped him with english ( I think), and while he was in his other classes I read out in the sun. I am so happy to be reading The Bell Jar again. But it really depresses me. When Andy got out he was like, "What's wrong baby"? And I just was So Observent. I noticed everything. But time went too fast. I felt like I couldn't take it all in. And not only was that frustrating, it was even more depressing. I hate how she doesn't brake you til the middle of the book. Plath was such a wonderful writer. Too bad she commited suicide.

Being a teen-ager totally sucks. I mean, we're in highschool learning shit we're never gonna need to know. But we stay in because it's the best place to see our friends. But wait, those false friends and back-stabbers are ever-present. Shit gets stirred. People get mad. People get hurt. Maybe it's not being a teen-ager that sucks... maybe it's just being in highschool.

"Oh Honey, we're all lesbians when the right guy isn't around." -Will and Grace

I love AD		  
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edit info   
05:44pm 19/09/2004
  I wish I could understand all this info stuff. I want to know things by how they feel. I want to make my own opinions on things. I don't want someone else to tell me how things are. I just want to be utterly and completely independant.

Another thing I noticed. Love is foolish. It should not be messed around with. I mean, you can feel one way, but then you understand you were feeling the wrong thing. So when you really do find the feeling to match those words, you feel foolish for saying them to the wrong person. I noticed that in my newest, and hopefully final, relationship. I have never loved anyone like I love him. Yet all those times I told Matt I loved him, it felt so right at the time. I just don't know how love can be so different.

You don't have to settle in love. All you have to do is find ut exactly what YOU want. I realised you don't have to make extreme compromises. I know that Andrew is mine, and I am his. I don't have to put up with him drinking or dissing me or even bumming over $300 from me (not that that is a bad thing or anything: just not my thing).

People should walk more often. It gives them time to think of such things. I can't wait til all I have to come home to is Andrew. It's going to be the best feeling in the whole entire world, I just know it will.		  
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weezerwannabeun
 
 

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